And so I type...
Last weekend, on the Winter Solstice, we built a fire on the beach. My son had been begging to make s'mores and, Solstice being a good time for fires and it being a beautiful clear day, we indulged him. As we watched the first of the flames flicker and then roar to life, I noticed a woman walking across the beach. She joined us and asked if we were writing down things we wanted to leave behind and burning the papers. Not exactly, but what a brilliant idea! It didn't take me long to generate a list of mindsets that I'm trying to move past because they hold me back: negativity, fear, and procrastination. It felt amazing to throw my slip of paper into the flames and watch it burn into ashes almost instantly. If only that one simple act could banish these from my life forever, but alas...like anything worthwhile, hard work is required. It was, however, a powerful moment with which to mark a fresh start. Not that 2019 hasn't been a positive year for me--it's actually been something of a banner year on the writing front! I stretched myself and took risks, and I'm so happy that many of these paid off. Earlier in the year a writer friend called me (with the kindest of intentions) "ballsy" for pitching/submitting to large publications. But, the way I see it, the worst they can say is "no thanks." Aiming high (plus persistence with following up) scored me bylines in The New York Times, The Washington Post, AARP's Disrupt Aging Newsletter, and the Huffington Post. Yes, I spent a looooong time crafting my essays and pitches, but none of these opportunities would have happened if I hadn't had the courage to hit "send." So, I'm proud of myself for that. And grateful. I'm grateful to all of the wonderful editors I've worked with this year who have seen something worthwhile in my ideas and given me such helpful feedback. The challenge and satisfaction I get from struggling and then growing as a writer is addictive! I'm also grateful to people who read my work and have shared it and/or sent me comments. I wrote a couple of pretty vulnerable pieces this year and was so happy that my authenticity struck a positive chord with others. So back to those words I burned in the fire...even though negativity, fear, and procrastination won't ever magically disappear (I'm a writer, after all), I resolve to focus on their opposites--positivity, courage, and proactivity-- and continue pushing my creative limits in 2020. There are a couple of projects I've had on the back burner for quite a while and I think that now is the time to make them happen. Wishing everyone a new year--a new decade!--filled with POSITIVITY, COURAGE, and PROACTIVITY. Just imagine what we can all accomplish!
Confession...I haven't been spending my precious designated writing time doing much actual writing lately. I've spent it pitching, and I'm feeling exhausted and disillusioned by the process. I enjoy crafting the pitches themselves (because, writing) but what drains me is the endless research to find appropriate pubs, then more research to figure out who best to send pitches to, and then there is the waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I have not worked as an editor, but I can imagine they are inundated with pitches on the daily, so I'm not judging; I'm just expressing...frustration from my end of things.
I would prefer rejections, even nasty rejections, over this agonizing silence. Because a rejection is feedback, even if it is a form rejection. It tells me that I need to reassess my approach (or, after multiple rejections, my ideas). But not knowing whether a pitch is a "no" or if it's languishing in a slush pile of never-to-be-opened emails is not constructive for me in any way. So after a couple of weeks, I follow up. The majority of my commissions have come after a first follow-up. But more often than not that follow-up goes unanswered. Now my pitch has been sitting for a month, and meanwhile my bank account dwindles. If I knew an idea was rejected I could move on to the work of pitching it elsewhere. The "cast a wide net" approach I've sometimes heard advocated doesn't appeal to me as a writer. I take care to craft my pitches thoughtfully and with a publication's tone, content, and voice in mind. I start with a clear summary of the "big idea" and give a sense of the shape a piece will take. I want to show editors through a quality pitch that they can expect quality work from me. But at what point am I putting too much effort into this? Or maybe I just need to continue doing the hard work and hope something turns around.... Writers out there, what are your thoughts? Is there anything you have tried that makes your pitches stand out and get noticed? I literally just sat down to write this and immediately heard the dog retching from the other room. And no, I didn't get the door open fast enough. And yes, I am grateful we don't have any carpet. It's par for the course that I'm sure many writers can relate to, especially us work-at-home parents. If the dog's not barfing, then the preschooler is melting down (or doing something extremely naughty in a bid for your attention), or some other urgent happening is taking you away from your work. And so it goes.
I've become pretty good at working around distractions, which is huge for me, considering that less than a decade ago I required absolute silence to even read a novel. It's amazing how we can adapt. For me, adapting has also meant changing my creative process. Whereas in the past I could get lost in my bubble for an entire day, that's just not in the cards right now. I miss the intoxicating feeling of "flow" from those long stretches but, on the upside, I'm now much more efficient with the time I do have. I feel like I'll be able to accomplish more and more as my son becomes more independent and my time for work increases. It's almost like I've been in training for what's to come... I've had to discipline myself to write ideas down as they happen, so that I'm ready, not when inspiration strikes, but when it's my turn for "office hours." My iPhone has been a lifesaver in this respect, and notebooks and sticky notes abound in our house. The trick is remembering to consolidate them into an Ideas book regularly so we're not drowning in paper scraps. I'm really proud of what I've been able to accomplish in the past year and a half since we moved to Vancouver Island and left our "real" jobs behind. It's been hard to balance everything and get used to living in the uncertainty of the gig economy, since my husband is also a work-at-home freelancer (Hovington Instruments), but it's absolutely worth it. We're both doing what we love, AND spending oodles of time with our little guy while he is young. Of course there are moments (days, and weeks, even) that are discouraging, when rejections (or worse--lack of responses) fill my inbox and I wonder: what am I doing? But despite these times, I push onward. I want my son to see that you can follow your passion and still make a living. And there will never be an "easier" time to do this. If not now, when? So I sit my bottom down in this chair, and I write. It's the first stormy day here since we moved. Gusty wind, rain, leaves blowing about. Although the warm days of barefoot sunshine are numbered, I honestly welcome the change. There is a stagnancy that settles in during late summer, as if things need to be stirred up a little in order to start moving forward once more, progressing through the natural order of seasons. I start to apply this analogy to my own life, and I remember how times of intense creative output often follow big personal "shake-ups." We've certainly had our share of those this year, and we've had the past month of summer to try to recover, to find some normalcy and balance again.
But I was starting to feel a little stagnated. Yes, I'm making plans and constructing a framework and mindset in which to work towards them, but my heart hasn't been fully in it. I suppose I'm still experiencing the after-effects of all the change, and maybe my hesitancy to enter into true creative flow is some kind of subconscious protection mechanism. I'm searching for the spark to help my plans come to life; the same spark that ignited me in the past. Maybe it will be a sudden realization, like this storm whooshing all around me in my safe and cosy house. Or maybe it will be a gradual loosening of the heart taps, first allowing a drip, then a trickle, and finally a stream. However it happens, I have faith it will. Perhaps these present winds of change will stir things up just enough... A song I wrote several years ago, inspired by a friend's casual remark about hoping that good things would be blowing our way: Good Things © 2013 Kelly McQuillan Where’d you go My sweet summer? You left a hole Where my heart was free Where’d you go My sweet lover? You left me cold In the shadows of my dreams There’s a change a comin’ Crashin’ through the trees Stirring up the dying leaves Churning up my memories I could hide Cover myself from the din But I’ll throw open the windows despite the storm ‘Cause I’ve got faith there’ll be good things blowin’ in. I miss the sound Of sunburned silence When words were weightless And harmed no one I miss the smell Of salty idleness When I stretched my limbs And reached up for the sun Now there’s a change a comin’ Crashin’ through the trees Stirring up the dying leaves Churning up my memories I could hide Cover myself from the din But I’ll throw open the windows despite the storm ‘Cause I’ve got faith there’ll be good things blowin’ in. So often misunderstood Sometimes a bit of change Can do us good So I could hide Cover myself from the din But I’ll throw open the windows despite the storm ‘Cause I’ve got faith there’ll be good things blowin’ in. (x3) Four years ago I made changes to my life so that I could have more time to pursue my creative passions: writing and music. I took a part-time position at work, giving myself one day a week that was completely and totally mine for creativity. I treated it as any other work day, writing a list of objectives and keeping myself accountable. Within 8 months I had accomplished one of my major creative goals — recording a collection of music I wrote. The feeling I had during the process was exhilaration; I felt so alive, so powerful, so connected.
I've never been good with change, but as the saying goes, it is the only constant. This has been a year of huge life changes all rolled together: family, health, employment, location, and lifestyle. Bam! As a family we are still settling after the shock of it all and are in a period of adjustment, learning who we are now that our clothes of familiarity have been stripped away.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with change. Some people (like my husband) prefer to just start where they are and keep moving forward, leaving the past behind. Although I respect and admire this strategy, I am not one of these people. The anxiety that accompanies change sends me into an uneasy state of not knowing; my mind runs through constant scenarios (often negative) of an uncertain future. If I don't recognize and halt the spiral of anxiety, I become deeply unhappy. I stop caring for myself, stop filling my emotional well, and stop creating. I lose my equilibrium of self. Usually (and thankfully) big changes in my life have happened one at a time and even when they have come in small clusters I can clear the emotional and cognitive turbidity after a bit of quiet reflective time and journaling. But there hasn't been time for that this year. It has been a year of trying to rise above, to get through the day and do our best to meet everyone's immediate needs -- survival mode. I'm not going to share the details, because everyone has life changes and challenges they are dealing with, but the past six months have definitely wreaked havoc on our entire family. It is a time we are eager to put behind us. Fortunately, although there is still much that is uncertain, we have currently reached a plateau of relative calm. I can finally take a breath and start the process of resetting myself. As I was constructing this website and delving into the past, searching for examples of published work, I found an article I wrote in 2012 for Tiny Buddha - "Learning to Embrace Change as Opportunity, Not Loss." I can't help but chuckle at the difference in gravity between the changes I describe in the article and what we are currently experiencing. What I wrote about now seems so trivial (although I need to remember that everything is relative). Despite the differing situations, the insights I shared about re-framing change are definitely things I need to remember now. Somewhere in the recent chaos and exhaustion I forgot my own advice. Once I re-frame some of our recent changes as opportunity, I can feel the anxiety lessen. I remember what I am grateful for -- all of the lucky things that have happened amidst the challenges. The gratitude jar is back on the counter and I am slowly tapping into what brings me joy. Through the uncertain haze I see the outer edges of goals starting to take on definition. We all have different ways of dealing with life. In my case, now more than ever, looking back to the past is helping me to move forward. |
Kelly McQuillan
Musings on creativity, productivity, and how to juggle it all with family life... Archives
December 2019
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