And so I type...
It's the first stormy day here since we moved. Gusty wind, rain, leaves blowing about. Although the warm days of barefoot sunshine are numbered, I honestly welcome the change. There is a stagnancy that settles in during late summer, as if things need to be stirred up a little in order to start moving forward once more, progressing through the natural order of seasons. I start to apply this analogy to my own life, and I remember how times of intense creative output often follow big personal "shake-ups." We've certainly had our share of those this year, and we've had the past month of summer to try to recover, to find some normalcy and balance again.
But I was starting to feel a little stagnated. Yes, I'm making plans and constructing a framework and mindset in which to work towards them, but my heart hasn't been fully in it. I suppose I'm still experiencing the after-effects of all the change, and maybe my hesitancy to enter into true creative flow is some kind of subconscious protection mechanism. I'm searching for the spark to help my plans come to life; the same spark that ignited me in the past. Maybe it will be a sudden realization, like this storm whooshing all around me in my safe and cosy house. Or maybe it will be a gradual loosening of the heart taps, first allowing a drip, then a trickle, and finally a stream. However it happens, I have faith it will. Perhaps these present winds of change will stir things up just enough... A song I wrote several years ago, inspired by a friend's casual remark about hoping that good things would be blowing our way: Good Things © 2013 Kelly McQuillan Where’d you go My sweet summer? You left a hole Where my heart was free Where’d you go My sweet lover? You left me cold In the shadows of my dreams There’s a change a comin’ Crashin’ through the trees Stirring up the dying leaves Churning up my memories I could hide Cover myself from the din But I’ll throw open the windows despite the storm ‘Cause I’ve got faith there’ll be good things blowin’ in. I miss the sound Of sunburned silence When words were weightless And harmed no one I miss the smell Of salty idleness When I stretched my limbs And reached up for the sun Now there’s a change a comin’ Crashin’ through the trees Stirring up the dying leaves Churning up my memories I could hide Cover myself from the din But I’ll throw open the windows despite the storm ‘Cause I’ve got faith there’ll be good things blowin’ in. So often misunderstood Sometimes a bit of change Can do us good So I could hide Cover myself from the din But I’ll throw open the windows despite the storm ‘Cause I’ve got faith there’ll be good things blowin’ in. (x3)
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Four years ago I made changes to my life so that I could have more time to pursue my creative passions: writing and music. I took a part-time position at work, giving myself one day a week that was completely and totally mine for creativity. I treated it as any other work day, writing a list of objectives and keeping myself accountable. Within 8 months I had accomplished one of my major creative goals — recording a collection of music I wrote. The feeling I had during the process was exhilaration; I felt so alive, so powerful, so connected.
I've never been good with change, but as the saying goes, it is the only constant. This has been a year of huge life changes all rolled together: family, health, employment, location, and lifestyle. Bam! As a family we are still settling after the shock of it all and are in a period of adjustment, learning who we are now that our clothes of familiarity have been stripped away.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with change. Some people (like my husband) prefer to just start where they are and keep moving forward, leaving the past behind. Although I respect and admire this strategy, I am not one of these people. The anxiety that accompanies change sends me into an uneasy state of not knowing; my mind runs through constant scenarios (often negative) of an uncertain future. If I don't recognize and halt the spiral of anxiety, I become deeply unhappy. I stop caring for myself, stop filling my emotional well, and stop creating. I lose my equilibrium of self. Usually (and thankfully) big changes in my life have happened one at a time and even when they have come in small clusters I can clear the emotional and cognitive turbidity after a bit of quiet reflective time and journaling. But there hasn't been time for that this year. It has been a year of trying to rise above, to get through the day and do our best to meet everyone's immediate needs -- survival mode. I'm not going to share the details, because everyone has life changes and challenges they are dealing with, but the past six months have definitely wreaked havoc on our entire family. It is a time we are eager to put behind us. Fortunately, although there is still much that is uncertain, we have currently reached a plateau of relative calm. I can finally take a breath and start the process of resetting myself. As I was constructing this website and delving into the past, searching for examples of published work, I found an article I wrote in 2012 for Tiny Buddha - "Learning to Embrace Change as Opportunity, Not Loss." I can't help but chuckle at the difference in gravity between the changes I describe in the article and what we are currently experiencing. What I wrote about now seems so trivial (although I need to remember that everything is relative). Despite the differing situations, the insights I shared about re-framing change are definitely things I need to remember now. Somewhere in the recent chaos and exhaustion I forgot my own advice. Once I re-frame some of our recent changes as opportunity, I can feel the anxiety lessen. I remember what I am grateful for -- all of the lucky things that have happened amidst the challenges. The gratitude jar is back on the counter and I am slowly tapping into what brings me joy. Through the uncertain haze I see the outer edges of goals starting to take on definition. We all have different ways of dealing with life. In my case, now more than ever, looking back to the past is helping me to move forward. |
Kelly McQuillan
Musings on creativity, productivity, and how to juggle it all with family life... Archives
December 2019
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